Meet and Greet Part I

Hello, I'm Kyle Orton, the quarterback for the Denver Broncos. You may not know me too well. Let me introduce myself. Football is very important to me. I went to Purdue, where football is an institution, and put up numbers comparable to Drew Brees who also attended Purdue. When I made it to the pros, I decided that distractions could derail my career. So, I grew some horrific facial hair to keep away all the groupies. In fact, my facial hair pretty much keeps everyone away, including organizations that would pay me lots of money. But that's a good thing, because it helps me focus on my job: winning football games. In my career, I have won 27 of the 39 games I have played, giving me a winning percentage of 69%, about 5% better than Peyton Manning. There is one word that describes how I play and how I look: unflattering. But that's okay, because at less than $1 million per year, I'm cheap. Yup, cheap and unflattering, that's me. (Pssst: Kyle, you're also a winner.) Oh yeah, I also win a lot.

How's it going? I'm Brandon Marshall. I am one of the top-five most talented receivers in the NFL. Some people might put me in the top 3. I make very average quarterbacks look very, very good. I single-handedly (sometimes literally) help my team win games they wouldn't win if I wasn't playing. I probably should have received a new contract. After all, the NFL doesn't guarantee contracts, and like every other player in one of the most exploitative sports in history, I need to get mine now before some sort of terrible injury (or crime) derails my career. I understand that the player's association probably won't help me when I retire. It's all up to me to get a huge signing bonus as soon as possible, and I think it's unfair that I have been singled out and made an example of when I do what every player should be doing to guarantee their future. I also have a history of committing crimes against women, but, like most Americans with short memories, I'm sure that this fact will be completely overlooked if I perform at a high level (see Kobe Bryant, the rapist). That's my goal this season.

What's up? I'm Elvis Dumervil. I came into the league at the same time as fellow player Brandon Marshall. He makes about $2 million this season, while I make about a half million. I lead the league in sacks, I make Josh McDaniels look brilliant for instituting the 3-4 defense in Denver, and I'm pretty much responsible for the pass-rush on one of the best defenses in the league. Bargain? You betcha! Do I get a lot of press? No. Will I get a big contract after this season? Time will tell, time will tell.