Your Questions Answered

Dear MP,
Why is Bill Belichick such an ass?
Jim R. Baton Rouge

-Well Jim I think you're asking the wrong question. The real question is why is Bill Belichick so secretive? Or maybe: Is Bill Belichick really Bill Belichick's real name? Or perhaps: Is there a mechanical robot trapped somewhere in that expressionless, emotionless, hoodied body? I don't know why Bill Belichick is, as you say, an ass. Some things are a mystery. As you might guess, I think Bill Belichick has been secretly replaced by a robot controlled by Bill Parcells, and the Tuna would never admit to cheating, even if he was cheating with a robot. The Tuna got a little lazy with the robot controls at the cheating press conference, which just might expose his unprecedented record as the first coach to win multiple Super Bowls and piss people off both in person and while controlling a radio-controlled robot.


Dear MP,
Jay Cutler put up some nice numbers in Buffalo, but he didn't look all that great. All the commentators seem to think he was awesome. Did I miss something?
Hunter T. Troposphere

-Hunter, you make a mighty good point. Not only did Jay Cutler expose his best receiver, Javon Walker, to some vicious body hits by throwing high over the middle, he also fumbled the ball around way worse than good ol' Jake the Snake Plummer. His interception was classic Plummer - just toss that sucker up there and hope for the best. And I still can't fathom the reverse shovel-pass that should have cost Denver the game if it hadn't been for Selwin Young. Cutler looked green out there. If he makes the same types of bone-headed moves against Oakland the Raiders are gonna pounce on him big time.


Dear MP,
Randy Moss...WTF?
Cliff C. Boston

-Cliff, I couldn't have said it any more succinctly. He all but retired on the field in Oakland and gimps through the Pats training camp only to look absolutely stellar in his first game with Tom-my-life-is-tabloid-fodder-but-not-as-bad-Brittany-Spears-Brady. The guy is more fragile than a newborn and slower than Arvydas Sabonis. But he put up eye-catching numbers in week one. Hey, he took a massive pay cut and a measly one year contract to prove himself in Beantown, which is kind of cool given his prima donna rep, but I still think he'll miss five games this year to some sort of weird leg injury that a 50 year old white guy would get from jogging in the park. But hell, in those other eleven games, he'll probably grab 12 touchdowns. I'll cheer for him until the Broncos meet the Pats in the playoffs. If that happens, I hope Champ dominates him for the first quarter and John Lynch knocks him out in the second.


Dear MP,
I drafted L.J. Smith on my fantasy team and I was let down...again.
Jason T. Denver

-Jason, first that's not really a question. Second, the whole L.J. Smith thing remains a mystery of epic proportions. Given his size, his speed, his quarterback, and the fact that Philly doesn't have anyone capable of catching passes on a regular basis, you would think that he'd be a 12-touchdown-per-season type of player. Opposing coaches don't even cover him anymore. They just double-team Westbrook who still gets over 100 yards per game. We should be mentioning L.J. Smith along with Tony Gonzalez and Antonio Gates as the best to play their position. But frankly he sucks. He sucks in fantasy leagues just as much as in reality. I suggest you hit the waiver-wire for a suitable replacement if you haven't already. (I've made a similar blunder the last two years in drafting Jamal Lewis, but don't tell anyone.)


Dear MP,
Why is LaDainian Tomlinson so good?
Rhoda, the apartment next door

-Rhoda, the answer is simple. He too is a robot.


---See you after the game folks.